Where do I go from here?

Recently I haven't been sleeping.

Music is one of my passions, and it's been a long time since I've been able to lose myself in it. To be surrounded by overwhelming sound and know that you're creating something beautiful, or at least something meaningful to you, is intoxicating. I forget that the reason I've never done drugs or drank excessively is because I can lost myself in something else. I can lose myself in something that gives back to me, in something that is bigger than myself and bigger than anything I could ever try to control. In fact, I don't try to control it. I write what comes out, and simply choose what to play the second time around.

You have to understand, sleep is one of my favorite things in this world. Naps come frequently and are epic in nature and length. I plan my day around getting 8 hours of sleep or more.

I've written a lot more in the past days, written for the sake of writing. I wish I was someone who could express these universal feelings that everyone has in words that connect with people. I can express it in my way, but that is often wordy, convoluted and diluted from the true meaning of what I'm trying to say. I wish I had the words to move people and stir inside them passions, longings and fears. To express the heartache, sorrow and indescribable thoughts of the heart. I write for myself, but I want to write for everyone. I want to have songs that people will sing because it makes them feel better. I want songs that people will listen to when they feel down and will commiserate with them. What I want, is to speak words into people that will go as deep as emotions.

Lately, however, I'm getting more like 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. When I do sleep, it is fretful and worrysome. My bed is not as comfortable as it used to be, nor can I seem to find that perfect sleeping temperature anymore. I wake up feeling as though I'm sleepwalking and have no control over what I'm doing. On the one hand, it's refreshing because I almost feel absolved of responsibility. I'm simply a passenger in this journey called my life. I sit back and watch what happens while I whisper things like, "Don't go that way, you know what's going to happen. Turn around." I get knots in my stomach as I see the story going ways I wish it wouldn't, and hope for the sake of me that the main character makes it. I wonder if he will sometimes though.

I said it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I lied. It is worse than I could ever imagine. I feel lost and left out at sea. I feel like I'm dying and I have no way to talk to anyone before that time comes, like I'm just out of reach of the life raft and no one to call for help. For some unexplained reason I feel dirty and left out to dry. Like being washed in muddy water and left to dry. Going through the motions without the desired effect. All of the appearances inevitably end up just being one more road to nowhere.

So I now ask you, where do i go from here? What path am I supposed to take? Never have what I wanted, what I needed, what I wished and what I'm doing been so disjointed. Never have my life and my mind felt opposed in such a strict dichotomy. The separation is unbearable. I feel like the ever growing hole in my chest will eventually kill me, or leave me a shadow of what I was before. I'm afraid I'll never be the same. All I want is to be the same.

I've lost the one joy in my life and the one person who completed me.

Where do I go from here?


I guess it's the normal passage of time
When my heart breaks like it's no longer mine
But I will rise up and carry my shame
Carry this burden, carry this pain

When the wind howls, oh I feel its pain
When the wind cries out, oh I hear your name

Shaky, wounded and weak,
Where do I go?

A new, quite reluctant beginning

So, it happened. My worst nightmare came true. The single greatest fear of people all over the world came to fruition in my life.

I was in a relationship. I found out that I could not, despite my best efforts, make her happy. I tried my hardest, did everything that I could to make it work, and I failed.

Yes, it was precisely what you think it would be like. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I cried, I wept, I longed for her and for the past. I thought of ways to reform what we had in some way. I considered living a life that wasn't mine simply for the sake of being with her.

And yet somehow, here on the other side, here I am. Still alive. A little worse for wear, and unsure of what to do with myself, but here nonetheless. It will take plenty more time to fully heal, to understand what I'm meant to learn from this and where I'm meant to go from here. Of course I still love her, of course I still care about her. But mostly I care about her happiness and her friendship and presence in my life. If this is the only way, so be it.

All of that being said, I feel a fresh start is in order. It's becoming a beautiful spring in Waco, TX, I have a clean apartment and a little spare cash, some great friends and a lot of opportunities to do well for myself.

Time for a little me time. Knock 'em dead, kid.

[EDIT: Screw me time. Screw new beginnings and fresh starts. I'm not happy without you. I'm not happy by myself. All I want is you. 4/7/10 - 25 months)